It’s been an emotionally draining season and the ending brings a not-so shocking twist due to the whole Jacqueline versus Teresa twitter fight, hell, even before the series began we already had Teresa’s bar brawl.
It’s clear watching the show is not enough, you also have to follow social media and the news to know what’s going on in the RHNJ universe.
Anyway, let’s start with this episode:
Melissa is trying on stripper apparel to showcase her vocal abilities, and she’s so classy she apparently needs a stylist to help her out with that.
Teresa calls her to discuss the family portrait they’re doing at Tre’s house, and when they hang up, the stylist to the stars is relieved Melissa didn’t reveal her identity. Apparently, Teresa told the stylist not to work with Melissa.
Surprisingly, Melissa doesn’t bat a fake eyelash and continues to search for more G-strings. She’s so serious about her career y’all!
Now at Teresa’s, Milania is doing something crazy as usual while her mom and Joe Giudice have a conversation. I didn’t pay attention because I just can’t get enough Milania.
We move to Jacqueline’s now, and I’m pissed because that waste of precious air Ashley is back in the house. Jacqueline interviews that she invited Jaime (her husband’s brother) to the house because Ashley really looks up to him.
Ashley says that she and Jaime share a lot in common since he was once viewed as the black sheep in the family, and now Ashley is in the same situation.
On Ash, you’re not the black sheep, you’re the freaking pink elephant because anyone who acknowledges you is crazy-high.
When Jaime arrives, Ashley quickly shows him her new tattoo, it’s a “swallow” and I’m not kidding. Jaime tells her that if she meets guys in a bar she shouldn’t tell them her tattoo is a “swallow”, why Jaime? Then what was the point of getting that tattoo?
Ashley tells him of her plan to go to Los Angeles, and when Jaime asks her what she’ll do, she starts crying and leaves, like always.
Oh, did I mention she legally changed her name to “Ashlee”, yeah, she just eliminated a “y” for another “e”. I will illegally call her “Ass Le Swallows”. It’s immature, but not as immature as “Ass Le Swallows”.
Ass Le Swallows says that “swallows” represent new beginnings, and here I was thinking they meant happy endings.
Okay I’m done now.
In her talking head, Caroline says Ashley (refuse to write “Ashlee”) gets it, that she’s smarter than all of the Manzos because she knows how to work her mother and her extended family, but one day she’ll wake up and no one will be there.
We move on to Caroline on the radio station. She keeps on giving the most generic advice I’ve ever heard on my life, like saying shit like “follow your dreams, this is not a rehearsal, do it!”
Chris and Lauren walk in to visit her mom, and then Lauren interviews that her mom doing her radio work really helped her concentrate on her.
We cut to Kathy’s, and we see Victoria prepping up for her dance. Kathy cries because she didn’t have any other storyline but her feud with Teresa and her fake-trying to open up a restaurant.
Kathy then recalls the time when Victoria had a brain tumor, so I feel like shit.
The whole family gets together to bid farewell to Victoria’s virginity… I mean, before Victoria goes to her dance. I’m sorry Tori! You’re awesome!
It’s time for the family portrait, the whole Giudice-Gorga clan gets together in Teresa’s house, and everyone looks happy to be there, except maybe grandpa Gorga.
Teresa and Melissa are upstairs, and Teresa says she’s relieved the whole feud is coming to an end, but then she stars another feud with her own daughter Audriana when she puts her that god-awful feather dress.
Audriana tries to ask Melissa for help, but Melissa’s like “oh no girl, you’re on your own!”
Down on the first floor everyone’s ready for picture time, and while grandpa Gorga looks like he would rather be drinking a glass of wine, it’s Milania who dismisses the whole thing and runs away.
However, Teresa has found her daughter’s kryptonite and threatens her that if she doesn’t come back for another picture, she won’t be able to see Justin Bieber. Milania complies.
For a second there I thought the episode was done and over, but here’s the twist.
Teresa’s book “Fabulicious!” came out and apparently the trash-talking was juicier than Teresa’s recipes.
At Kathy’s, she says that Teresa complained that her “cousin” always make lame jokes about her. Since Kathy has never made a joke about Teresa, she thinks maybe she was referring to Rich, but I think Teresa meant another cousin because she simply doesn’t care about Kathy.
At Melissa’s, she’s seating with her sister and says Teresa wrote that she constantly copies her. Melissa’s redemption arc is fully complete when she says she’s done with the fighting.
At Teresa’s, Jacqueline visits the “author” and tells her that she went a little overboard with her jabs, especially against Caroline, who she called “as Italian as the Olive Garden” and “one-sixteenth Italian”.
Teresa starts saying that no one has any sense of humor and that she’s like Lucille Ball. If Teresa is Lucilly Ball then Snooki is Mary Tyler Moore, but those are not the cases so please shut up Teresa.
Now at Caroline’s, Lauren brings the book and reads what Teresa said about her and also her son Christopher.
For some odd reason, Greg is also there and I’m beginning to wonder if Greg is Albie’s boyfriend. I don’t necessarily hate Greg but why is he always there?
Caroline finishes off by saying that the tides are changing and unfortunately she won’t be calling Teresa a friend anymore.
What are they doing now?
Teresa is working on paying her debts, Kathy’s still doing nothing, Melissa got to number 14 on the iTunes Dance chart, Jacqueline’s still a meddler and Caroline thinks she will take her radio show to NYC.